


The 'Get Eliot A Girlfriend' Job, or: 5 times Parker tried to set Eliot up on a date + 1 time she didn't (but it still worked out)

by seraphina_snape



Category: Leverage, Marvel Cinematic Universe
Genre: Angry Eliot, Awkward Dates, Bad Matchmaking, Bisexual Male Character, Blind Date, Canon-Typical Violence, Crossover, F/M, First Dates, Friendship, M/M, Matchmaking, Secret Relationship
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-12-30
Updated: 2019-12-30
Packaged: 2021-02-26 08:35:03
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,580
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21846778
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/seraphina_snape/pseuds/seraphina_snape
Summary: Parker is happy - really happy - with Hardison. She wants Eliot to be just as happy as she is, so she sets out to get Eliot a girlfriend by arranging blind dates for him. Eliot is... not very appreciative.
Relationships: Eliot Spencer/various, Mr. Quinn/Eliot Spencer
Comments: 10
Kudos: 106
Collections: 2019 Leverage Secret Santa Exchange





	The 'Get Eliot A Girlfriend' Job, or: 5 times Parker tried to set Eliot up on a date + 1 time she didn't (but it still worked out)

**Author's Note:**

  * For [poppetawoppet](https://archiveofourown.org/users/poppetawoppet/gifts).



> Poppetawoppet had such interesting prompts for me! I wanted to write them all, but alas! Only one (and a half, sort of) made it to the final cut, so here is Parker and Hardison trying to set Eliot up on several dates, with a small cameo from the MCU.

The 'Get Eliot A Girlfriend' Job  
or:  
**5 times Parker tried to set Eliot up on a date + 1 time she didn't (but it still worked out)**

"I'm not sure about this, babe. He _has_ been less grumpy lately."

Parker scoffed. "Less grumpy? That means nothing! He's less grumpy when he gets to beat up the bad guys and he does that on a nearly weekly basis. But that doesn't mean he's really, truly _happy_. And how can we be happy when Eliot isn't?"

Parker's fingers were tapping a rapid rhythm on the glass table and Hardison put his hand over hers. Her wide eyes turned to him. 

"You're really worried about him, aren't you?"

"He's our friend and--" Parker shrugged and turned her head away. "--it makes me feel bad when I think about Eliot sitting in his apartment all alone whenever we do couple stuff. He should have someone who cares for him. Someone who loves him. As more than friends."

"Okay. All right. I can see this is important to you." He patted Parker's hand and then let go to grab his keyboard. "Let's do this. Operation: Get Eliot A Girlfriend."

#

"So, Parker tells me you have a... cat?"

Peggy dropped her hand from the collar of her dress and gave him a nervous smile. "I have three, actually. Originally it was just Mr. Whiskers, but then my elderly neighbor died and I adopted her two cats, Kit and Kat."

"KitKat?" Eliot raised an eyebrow. "Really?"

Peggy laughed. "Yes, really. They look alike, too." 

Their laughter died away and an awkward silence settled over the table. 

Eliot silently cursed Parker and her matchmaking. He'd successfully managed to avoid getting set up on a blind date until now, but he hadn't counted on Hardison being in on the whole thing. If anything he'd expected the hacker to have his back. Instead Hardison had thrown his lot in with Parker and tricked him into showing up here.

Peggy was obviously dressed for a date - a nice dark blue dress, low heels and a handbag that looked like something Sophie would use.

"Look, Eliot--"

"Peggy, I'm sor--"

They'd spoken at the same time, breaking off when they realized the other one was talking. Eliot held up a hand. "You first."

"Right." Peggy took a deep breath. "Eliot, um, I'm sure you're a nice guy and all, but when Parker told me about this, she kind of implied that I'd be meeting, well. She didn't actually say it, but I thought what she meant was that I'd be meeting up with Jack. Jack Hurley, do you remember him? I met him a few months ago and we kind of hit it off, but he had some work to do in South America. He promised to get in touch when he was back in the country and when Parker called me, well... I assumed it'd be him. I hope you're not mad, and it's not because you're not, uh, attractive, but I'm not--"

"Peggy! Slow down." Eliot waited until she'd settled down. "It's okay. Parker has this idea that she needs to find me a girlfriend and she tricked me into coming here."

"Oh. So you're not...?"

"Looking for a date? No."

Peggy sighed with relief. "Oh, thank god. This whole evening has been so awkward and we're not even at the main course yet."

"True." Eliot chuckled. "Do you want to finish dinner, or do you want me to call you a cab?"

Peggy glanced at the next table where a waiter was removing a couple's dishes. "Well, to be honest, I've wanted to try the food in this place for a while. Supposedly they make the best Beef Wellington in the city, and I'm catering a wedding next month where the groom wants it as a main dish. I've got to make sure their Beef Wellington not better than mine."

"Okay, so let's have dinner." Eliot picked up his glass and held it up. "Friends?"

Peggy smiled and picked up her own glass, clinking it lightly against Eliot's. "Friends."

#

Parker stared at the spreadsheet up on the big screen. "I don't get it. They both like cooking. Like, a _lot_. Peggy loved cats and Eliot always feeds that stray hanging around the back alley. Peggy likes strong men. Eliot likes women with brains as well as beauty. They should be dating."

"Doesn't always work like that." Hardison tapped a few keys and "FAILED" appeared in big red letters over the page labeled PEGGY. 

Parker made a disgruntled noise. "It would have been great, though. Peggy is my friend and I like her. I don't want Eliot to date a stranger. What if I don't like her?"

"We have a few more options before we need to consider any strangers." He switched tabs to the one labeled MAGGIE. "Okay, now remember, Nate can never know about our part in this. Not if it goes wrong and _especially_ not if it goes right."

#

Eliot followed the waiter and Maggie to their table and gallantly pulled out her chair. She gave him a small smile and sat down, running her hand over her cream-colored cocktail dress to smooth out any wrinkles.

Eliot sat down and waited until Maggie ordered a glass of white wine to order his own drink. The waiter handed them the menus and left to fetch their drinks.

The next few minutes were spent making small talk and debating dinner choices - Maggie had a fondness for Bucatini all'Amatriciana ever since her and Nate's honeymoon in Rome, while Eliot wanted to try the spaghetti ai ricci di mare. 

"So, Eliot," Maggie said once the waiter had brought their drinks, taken their dinner order and left, "I have to admit I was a little surprised to get your call."

Eliot froze. "My call?"

Maggie raised an eyebrow. "Yes. You do remember that you called me two days ago and asked me to meet you here?"

Two days ago, Eliot hadn't even been in the country. "Parker," he growled. 

Maggie raised her other eyebrow. "What?"

Eliot briefly closed his eyes, willing away the mental image of strangling Parker with some of her climbing rope. "We've been set up."

"Whatever for?"

"Parker." Eliot huffed. "She wants me to... date."

Maggie gave him a searching look. "And do you want to... date?"

Eliot shook his head. "I don't need Parker to set me up on increasingly weird blind dates."

"Then you should consider telling her that." Maggie sat back in her chair and tilted her head to the side. "Use small words; people like Parker, like Nate, they may think they're always considering fifty different angles to approach any situation – and, to be fair, they usually are – but if you want to get something in their thick skull, you need to be short and direct."

"Believe me, I was! Do not set me up on any dates – that's what I told her." Eliot grit his teeth. Maggie wasn't the one he was angry at, so she shouldn't be the one caught in the crossfire of his ire. 

"Hmm." Maggie took a sip of her wine. "Maybe Parker needs to see for herself that you're fine. She strikes me as a person who values hard proof over assurances."

"Maybe Parker needs to mind her own business," he grumbled.

Maggie gave him an all too knowing look, but didn't comment. "You know what we should do? Enjoy this lovely Italian restaurant. Then tomorrow, you're welcome to tell Parker whatever you want about how this 'date' went, as long as you don't actually expect me to show up anywhere as your girlfriend."

Eliot considered it for a moment. He had no intention of dating Maggie or any of the women Parker came up with. But if he told Parker there might be a second date, she'd hopefully not set him up with anyone new. And it wasn't like Nate ever had to find out. 

"Deal." 

"Good." Maggie leaned forward. "Now that that's settled, tell me about your latest adventure. I talked to Sophie the other day – did you know she and Nate are in Barcelona, something to do with art smuggling? – and she mentioned you were working on a job involving the Secret Service…"

#

"So that didn't work out," Hardison said, putting a big FAILED stamp on Maggie's spreadsheet page.

"But Eliot didn't yell at me for setting him up with Maggie. He yelled at me for _days_ after the date with Peggy and it's been a week." 

"Yeah, but I've been monitoring their phones, remember? Eliot hasn't called or texted Maggie at all. He's been in contact with us, a few random army buddies, that farm where he buys his produce and a burner phone that belongs to one of his army friends, I think."

Parker frowned. "Burner phone? Do we need to check up on it?"

Hardison shrugged. "Nah, don't think so. I did a spot check last week and the burner phone was somewhere in South America."

"Okay. Who's next?"

Hardison flipped to the next page, studying the image of the pretty redhead. "Are we sure this is a good idea?"

"Of course! They both like fighting and they did have that thing a few years back, so they find each other attractive."

Frowning, Hardison picked up the phone. "Well, if you're sure..."

#

Eliot sipped at his champagne and cast a bored eye around the room. He wasn't technically on a job – Hardison had heard a rumor about a crew checking out the local art gallery for a heist, and Parker had volunteered him for some recon while she and Hardison were dealing with their next client. So far, nothing had happened. He'd give it ten more minutes to see if anyone showed up to rob the place – if they did, they'd be in for a rude awakening.

Not that they made it their business to police the local criminal scene, but they'd left Portland to escape a lot of unwanted attention and an art gallery heist would bring exactly that kind of attention to town. So anyone trying to pull any kind of heist in this town would soon find out who was in charge. 

With a sigh, Eliot set the empty champagne flute down on a passing waiter's tray and headed for back of the gallery. He'd go out the back, check if anything was happening behind the scenes that nobody else had noticed. 

Out of the corner of his eye, Eliot caught a flash of red and he paused, turning as if to admire one of the paintings. The flash of red turned out to be the hair of one Natasha Romanova, AKA the Black Widow herself. Clenching his jaw, Eliot considered his options. Having the Black Widow show up on the day he was looking for someone intent on robbing the place couldn't be a coincidence. It could be a trap, however.

Nat was standing at the buffet table, holding a plate of hors d'oeuve and making small talk with a man in an expensive suit. 

Eliot took out his phone and sent Parker a coded message that would hopefully get Hardison working on why the Black Widow was in town. Because from where he was standing, there was nobody interesting – or high profile – enough in town to lure the Black Widow here – except them. 

Their eyes met across the gallery and they held eye contact for a moment. Nat's face gave nothing away, but then, neither did Eliot's. Then Nat murmured something to her companion, her eyes flicking over to the door leading to the areas of the gallery not open to the public.

Eliot gave a short nod of understanding and headed that way. Whatever was going to happen, it was going to happen with as few civilians as possible caught in the crossfire.

As he went, Eliot loosened his tie and his cuffs and picked up a sturdy-looking umbrella from a stand near the exit. The door marked "STAFF ONLY" led to a hallway with several doors leading off of it. Eliot tried them all and found them locked except for one leading into a large storage area with several crates scattered around the front and neatly arranged shelves in the back. 

Twirling the umbrella, he brought it up just as the Black Widow brought her arm down to land on his neck. Eliot spun around to block her next two attacks and then launched one of his own, kicking after her leg as he grabbed a handful of hair and tried to bring her down. She responded by dropping down and trying to swipe his own legs out from under him.

For every punch Eliot landed, Nat seemed to land one of her own, leaving both of them with various cuts and bruises by the time Eliot used the by now rather battered-looking and broken umbrella to put some space between them. 

He inclined his head, trying to hide how out of breath he was. "Nat."

"Eliot." Nat smoothed down her tattered hose and straightened her skirt. "Fancy seeing you here."

Eliot snorted. "Oh yeah, what a surprise," he said flatly.

Nat raised an eyebrow. "Actually, it was. I got a message to meet a contact here, and instead of him showing up, I ran across you."

"One second." With a sinking feeling in his stomach, Eliot pulled out his phone and called Parker. After a short call that involved ~~some~~ a lot of yelling, Eliot hung up and looked at Nat. "I… apologize. A colleague of mine has got it in his head that I need a date. She set us up."

Nat looked murderous for a second before her features smoothed out. "Next time, tell her to give at least one of us a little more detail. I could have done without the bruises."

"There won't be a next time," Eliot said darkly. "For now, do you want some food? It's the least I can do." 

"Just food? Or…?" She shot him a speculative glance. 

Eliot gave her a rueful look. "Just food this time, Nat."

"Food," she agreed. "And you owe me one."

#

"So that's a big, fat, GIANT no right there," Hardison said, placing his FAILED stamp on Nat's page. It was pretty late at night and Parker had just received a phone call from Eliot, involving a lot of yelling and some threats to stop cooking for them entirely if she didn't stop with the matchmaking.

"I don't get it."

Parker looked so dejected that Hardison's heart went out to her. But on the other hand, he didn't think he could survive without Eliot's food. 

"Babe--"

"They had _loads_ in common. They both do – or did – spy stuff and assassinations and stuff. They love fighting and hate talking about feelings. They both like knives! They should have been perfect together!"

"Yes," Hardison agreed, "but they're both really independent and busy with their jobs. Also, I think the spy stuff and the fighting instinct might have worked against them, especially in a blind date situation."

"So what you're saying is that Eliot needs someone who is not a spy? Who doesn't fight? Someone who is his opposite?"

"No, I just meant--"

"No, no, no. I just had a thought."

Hardison sighed. "Another one?"

"Shut up, this one is gonna work out. I can feel it in my bones."

#

Eliot stopped short as he entered. The room was darkened and soft music was playing. The aroma of food hung in the air and the candles flickered, illuminating a beautifully decorated table. Eliot's gaze caught on the figure sitting alone at the dining table, glowing a little in the candlelight. "What's going on?"

Amy nervously twisted her napkin. "I honestly have no idea. Hardison called and said I had to come down and when I got here Parker said she needed my help with something. She gave me this dress and told me to just wait here and--"

"Parker!" Eliot growled and stalked through the room to the door at the back. "PARKER!" 

After a short jog up the stairs, Eliot opened the door to Hardison's command center, only to find it empty. "PARKER! Where are you?"

He found Hardison in the bedroom, and he just pointed upwards without saying anything. The roof, then.

Eliot pointed at Hardison. "You're gonna make sure Amy gets home all right. And make sure to give her a bonus for all of this!" 

The roof looked deserted even though Eliot was sure Parker was hiding in the shadows somewhere. "Parker, I told you before and I'm telling you again. Stop setting me up on dates. You don't even know what I like in a woman, so Stop. Trying. You'll never get it right anyway. The next time I come across some woman you set up on a blind date with me, I'll leave. I promise you I will." 

"I just want you to be happy."

Parker's voice seemed to come from every direction at once. "That's nice of you, but your setting me up on all these blind dates is not making me happy. It's making me uncomfortable and it's making all the women caught in your game uncomfortable. So stop."

With that, Eliot left the building, went home and picked up the batch of cookies he'd made for the office. He dropped them off at the homeless shelter and then went to the gym to punch something.

#

"Parker. Parker. Parker!"

"What?"

"You're still trying to set Eliot up on a date," Hardison explained. "But Eliot doesn't want a date." 

Parker waved him off. "Eliot needs to be happy."

"Sure. But maybe he's happy without a date?"

Parker glared at him, but didn't respond. Instead, she finally released her hold on his tablet and gave him an expectant look.

"That's--babe, that is-- okay, it's clever, and not _technically_ against the new rules he set up but, Parker--"

"Eliot said I had to stop setting him up on blind dates with women. Well, this isn't a woman."

"If Eliot leaves because of this, I might stop speaking to you."

Parker shrugged, knowing he'd never follow through on that threat. "He said I'd never get it right because I don't know what he likes in a woman. Sophie says--"

"Sophie is in on this?"

"She's been helping me with my inter-personal skills. You know that."

"So she doesn't know you've been setting Eliot up on dates?"

"Of course she knows! Who do you think suggested Maggie? Anyways, she says Eliot might have been trying to come out to me and--"

"But we already knew Eliot is bi."

"He never said so."

"But that fashion photographer from our stint in New York? That was definitely one of his exes."

"Sophie says you can't assume sexual orientation. Or gender. That photographer might have been a woman. Or undecided. Anyway, Sophie says it was most likely Eliot's attempt to say he didn't want a woman without explicitly saying he'd rather want a man. So I got him a man this time!"

Hardison just sighed.

#

"Beer's in the fridge," Eliot said as he hung up his jacket.

Shelley headed to the kitchen while Eliot switched on the TV and uncovered the bowls of snacks he'd prepared. 

"What do you want on your pizza? Pepperoni and extra cheese?"

"You know me so well," Shelley replied, coming back in with two bottles of beer in his hand. He set them down on the table and waited for Eliot to finish the call to the pizza place down the block.

"Twenty minutes." 

"Cool. That gives us a little time."

"Time? For what?"

Shelley stepped closed and leaned in.

Eliot hastily took a step back, tripped over the edge of the rug and stumbled into the armchair, its legs creaking as he sat down on it heavily. He looked up at Shelley. "What was that?"

"Well, I was going to kiss you, but then you did a whole slapstick routine to get out of it. A bit over the top, maybe. A simple no or an 'I've changed my mind' would have been enough, you know." 

"Changed my mind? What? Why on earth would you try and kiss me?"

Shelley still looked amused, but also a little affronted. "Look, a guy gets what is basically a booty call message on his phone, he's probably gonna expect some kissing at least, maybe a handjob."

"What message? You texted me!"

Shelley took a sip of his beer. "Not true!" 

"Parker!" Eliot curled his fingers into a fist and hit the arm of his chair. "That little--"

Shelley made a questioning noise.

"She's been trying to set me up on dates. I told her last time to stop setting me up with every woman she knows--"

"--so she picked a guy. Clever. And for the record: I would have been up for friends with benefits, but I think we both know that a relationship isn't going to work between us."

"No, not clever. And no offense, but I'm already dating someone."

The amusement on Shelley's expression doubled. "Oh, really? I'm guessing Parker doesn't know?" 

"No, and you're not gonna tell her!" 

Shelley smirked. "Deal – if you tell me all about it."

So over pizza and beer, Eliot and Shelley talked.

#

"Argh!"

Hardison didn't look up from his work. "Didn't work, huh?"

"I give up! It's impossible to find someone Eliot actually likes!"

"Eliot liked everyone you set up with him. Just not as a date."

"He and the Black Widow beat each other up."

Hardison raised an eyebrow. "We've met several people that Eliot both beat up and dated. But I'm glad you're stopping before Eliot does something drastic."

Parker moaned. "He already did. He made his special mac and cheese and then gave some to everyone but me. I had to watch other people – strangers on the street! – eat it without having any myself."

"Harsh." He didn't add that Parker possibly deserved it, all things considered. 

"Yeah. So I'm officially giving up. If Eliot doesn't want to date--"

"Actually," Hardison cut in. "Eliot told me he's bringing a date to our Christmas party."

Parker fell off her chair.

#

Leverage Inc.'s official Christmas party – well, Winter Holiday Party – was a yearly event that Hardison had started in their third year. It usually involved the team, people who had worked with them and people they had helped. This year it was in a lodge in the Canadian Rockies since the Brew Pub was still under casual FBI observation.

"I don't see anyone with him." 

"Relax." Hardison hugged Parker from behind, smiling as she leaned into him. "Everyone else is here, even Nate and Sophie made it all the way from Spain." Of course, Hardison had sent plane tickets and room reservations alongside the invitations, so most people had shown up. Except Eliot's date so far. "If Eliot says he has a date, then the man has a date. Even if his date is late to the party."

"Amy is here. Maybe if Eliot's date doesn't show--"

"Oh, my date's gonna show. He's just running late."

Hardison jumped, and Parker and Eliot shared one of those looks that meant they were silently making fun of him for not being as aware of his surroundings as they were.

"Look, Parker. I know what you're doing, and I appreciate the thought. But just because I don't have a relationship like you and Hardison doesn't mean my life is unfulfilled." 

"I know. I just want you to be--"

"Happy. I know. I love that you want me to be happy, but I _am_ happy. Honestly." Eliot's phone beeped and he checked the message. "And here he is now."

Parker perked up. "Your date?"

Eliot grinned. "My date," he confirmed. He turned serious. "Don't be angry."

Before Parker could ask what she shouldn't be angry about, the door opened and Quinn entered the room, greeting a handful of people as he made his way towards them. He and Nate exchanged stilted nods, and he kissed Peggy's cheek and talked to her for a minute. 

Eventually, Quinn wandered up to them, slung his arm around Eliot's shoulders and dropped a kiss on his cheek. Quinn turned to Parker. "So, I hear you've been trying to set my boyfriend up on dates?"

Parker narrowed her eyes and glared. "So you've been dating Eliot... secretly."

Eliot put a hand on Quinn's arm before he could retaliate. "Hey. I made that decision _with_ Quinn. You know what our business is like. When was the first time someone tried to grab one of us to use as leverage against the others? And Quinn doesn't have the benefit of having us right around the corner to stage a rescue."

"Not that I need much rescuing," Quinn cut in. "Just for the record."

Eliot shot him a look. "Not that you need much rescuing?" he echoed. "Half the time we met up before we started dating, you needed rescuing!"

Quinn scoffed. "That was one time! Maybe two! You're just too damn impatient to wait for me to make my move."

"What about that time in San Salvador? You were handcuffed to the back of a car!"

"Yeah," Quinn said, frowning, "and I was handling it."

Eliot scoffed.

"What, like I can't get out of a pair of handcuffs? Please! I was waiting for my actual mark to show up."

"Um, guys?"

Eliot and Quinn interrupted their bickering to look at Hardison. 

"Congratulations?" Hardison said, sounding a little unsure. He didn't know about Parker, but Quinn definitely hadn't been on _his_ list of people to set Eliot up with, considering the whole instant-rivalry-upon-meeting. 

Eliot broke into a wide grin and Hardison could see his hand grab Quinn's. "Thanks, Hardison." He looked at Parker, eyebrows raised.

"You were on my list," Parker said to Quinn. "Way, _waaaaay_ down." She shrugged. "But if it makes Eliot happy." 

Quinn snorted. "Thanks, I guess." 

Hardison dragged Parker towards the food when Eliot and Quinn went straight back to their bickering. He had a feeling it was the prelude to something he didn't necessarily want to witness, considering the kisses they started sneaking in the more heated their bickering got.

"Good party, babe?"

Parker scanned the room, seeing all of their friends and family safe and happy. Her eyes caught on Eliot and Quinn, who had given up all pretense of talking and were just making out in a corner. "Yeah," she said. "Good party."

#

The next morning Hardison sat in the lodge's main living room, a laptop on his knees and Parker at his side, eating leftover party food. Everyone else was still asleep – or at least not downstairs in the common areas yet.

"Guess we don't need this thing any longer," he said, clicking delete on the Get-Eliot-A- ~~Girlfriend~~ - ~~Boyfriend~~ -Date spreadsheet.

Parker put her hand over his, stopping him from clicking and deleting the spreadsheet. 

"You know, I've been thinking. Eliot doesn't need our help anymore, but you know who doesn't have a boyfriend?" She hesitated for a moment. "Or a girlfriend, for that matter?" 

"Parker, no."

Parker grinned. "Amy! Remember when I called her for Eliot's date? We talked for a bit and she's about to be done with art school and she does not have a boyfriend! Or girlfriend – I asked, just in case, but she's straight." 

"Parker. _No_."

Parker just kept grinning.

Hardison sighed and dropped his head to his chest in defeat.

**Author's Note:**

> Happy Holidays! :D


End file.
